I have started to think of how my future will look like. Regardless of what I have in mind, it won't help me to solve this unfinished jigsaw. 

I often complain on things that look imperfect. I would tell Mom that my baju raya looked big, and didn't fit well with my body. Mom would try to please me with her soothing words that it looked fine. But, I was too stubborn and unsatisfied with it. She then slowly took the baju and got it fixed. 

Mom often said that my attitude towards shopping was exactly like her younger sister Mak Yah. Always being so fussy and picky. So, every time we went shopping to buy new shoes, Mom would find it difficult to deal with me. She knew it too well that I always looked for something that was good to my eyes. So, we frequently ended up at more than 3 shops. And after I had bought one, they would show me their tired faces and said "done?". 

I wasn't that close to my Mom before. People used to call me "Anak Abah" which totally means that I am Abah's favourite daughter. Maybe that was because I was the first daughter in my family after my three brothers. Abah was too happy to know that his fourth child was a girl. And Abah will always be proud of me. I never had the chance to get real close to Mom because Mom used to be very strict during my childhood. She would get mad if she knew that Angah and I were out, playing with the boys from morning till evening. And the worse was we were not allowed to play on the next day. The reason was only because when we were out, we tended to forget our lunch. Now I realise why she was too angry back then. Because she cared too much about us. That she was afraid if our stomach was empty.

Ihsan: Google

It was after my PMR that Mom and I started to get on really well. Even during the years I had in MRSM Pasir Tumboh, I felt terrible for not having good relationship with Mom. I knew she loved me. It was just I felt so different whenever I talked to Mom. So everytime I called home, even if Mom was the one who picked up the phone. I would still ask "Abah ada?" and Mom would quickly pass the phone to Abah. I always thought that it wasn't my fault for not being so close to Mom, it was simply because of others who often called me as Anak Abah. Because of that, Mom would always believe that I deserved to be loved more by Abah. 

I always cried during the programme of "Muhasabah diri" organised by my MRSM. I wanted to tell Mom that I loved her too much. That I wanted to be her friend. And I wanted to kiss and hug Mom tightly. Also, there was this moment when I called home, and I knew Mom would pick the phone up. When she heard my voice, she straight away called Abah. And I suddenly said "Kakak nak cakap dengan Ma". There came the tears rolling on my cheeks and slowly I told Mom "Kakak sayang Ma". Without extra words left, I ended the call. I felt very content of what I had said. I felt the relief and I was so happy though I knew deep inside I was still crying. I always questioned myself whether what happened years back was real. I didn't know. Was it just an illusion that I created by myself? I was left alone, in my own world.

To be continued...