I am okay. Really. 

Alright, I'm not actually okay. I hate the way I feel right now. I'm not sure how to describe this feeling, I think it is a mixture of both sad and happy. How could that be? Well, I'm happy because I passed all my Year 4 assignments, and I too passed the Curriculum Studies final exam. And, I feel sad because some marks were not up to my expectation especially LTP portfolio. Seriously, I'm not satisfied with the marking. Three different lecturers with three different ways of marking. How was it even possible that I managed to get good for most part of the assignments but the mark given was so not 'good'? 

I was trying very hard to be 'redha'. But I ended up feeling bad even more. I hate myself. I hate the assignment. I hate how my effort was wasted for nothing. And I hate the fact that I slept at 6 am the day of submitting the assignment.

So, I heard about others' mark. Some were very high. Some were on the same level as me, and there were some friends who got lower mark than me. Now tell me, should I be thankful? Well, I suppose so. 

"Redha itu ikhlas. Pasrah itu menyerah'

There must be reasons and hikmah behind this. Believing in Allah and be sincere. It was hard at first. Then I came to think "at least, my other assignments were okay. They mightn't be excellent, but enough to conceal and heal my frustration".  

I guess that's the end of our Year 4 assignments and examinations. No more. I can now calculate my marks for all assignments and examination marks from Year 2 to Year 4 to see which class honour I'm in. Well, of course not first class.

Practicum will start this Monday and end this April. I'm totally nervous. I'm not sure if I'm ready. But whatever it is, I still have to go through this teaching practicum. Hopefully my students will be behaving well. And I pray that Allah will make it easy for me. Wanted to aim for Merit. I will give my best. InshaAllah. SMK Bukit Bandaraya, Bangsar, please treat me well.